Friday, 24 August 2007
Less than, more than. Also on anger.
Less than: every other man and woman I see wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase and making a success of every day life.
More than: the benefit-culture cretins who don't even try.
This is my secret outlook on daily living. I am ashamed of it, but writing it down takes the power out of it and casts an interrogative beam on just how ridiculous and self-centred it is.
Lately I have been very angry indeed. Angry at the man who stops suddenly in front of me when I am pushing a 25 kilo backpack on an airport trolley. Angry at the cheese sticking to the microwave bowl i just used. Angry at my dad for being continuously angry. Angry at the fact that, despite being thinner than Melinda Messenger and having x times more brain factor, I am still neither prettier nor richer than her.
I think I get angry, particularly of late (I am definitely not usually an angry person) at people who just seem content and confident. I have areas of great contentment in my life: my relationship, gratitude for my educational opportunities etc. But people who seem content when, in my sick opinion, they ought not to be really get on my wick.
They get on my wick because they have one thing that I don't have: the ability to accept. I must resume Project Acceptance at the start of my new job.
More than: the benefit-culture cretins who don't even try.
This is my secret outlook on daily living. I am ashamed of it, but writing it down takes the power out of it and casts an interrogative beam on just how ridiculous and self-centred it is.
Lately I have been very angry indeed. Angry at the man who stops suddenly in front of me when I am pushing a 25 kilo backpack on an airport trolley. Angry at the cheese sticking to the microwave bowl i just used. Angry at my dad for being continuously angry. Angry at the fact that, despite being thinner than Melinda Messenger and having x times more brain factor, I am still neither prettier nor richer than her.
I think I get angry, particularly of late (I am definitely not usually an angry person) at people who just seem content and confident. I have areas of great contentment in my life: my relationship, gratitude for my educational opportunities etc. But people who seem content when, in my sick opinion, they ought not to be really get on my wick.
They get on my wick because they have one thing that I don't have: the ability to accept. I must resume Project Acceptance at the start of my new job.
Sunday, 19 August 2007
Friday, 17 August 2007
uh-huh uh-huh
The Princess is back on these happy green shores once again, prematurely but not unhappily, and with so much to report. Naturally, I will try to condense it, fail at that and go completely off topic for four paragraphs before scraping together a conclusional sentence in an attempt to recover some sense of order amid the semi-colon chaos.
So, it's like this. I had a fantastic (!) time in Italy and had one of the best learning experiences of my life, just being on my own and meeting so many people for three weeks. It really forces you/forced me to come out of myself and look at what is important to me. It also sent me partially mad, but we learn from these things. As for pictures, I will do my best to post some later on today, but suffice to say I saw some pretty cool sights. And with free rein on my own time, I did a lot of shopping. Pictures of purchases also to follow.
Lists.
Discoveries:
1. Sugar Free Red Bull
2. Too much cheese
3. A dubious low-carbohydrate bar attempt
4. A perfect 5 Euro yellow sweater
5. My future Oscars dress
I missed:
1. My Rhianna album
2. Half-fat cheese
3. Chicken...sorry, poor chickens :(
4. Blogging!
5. Having clean feet
6. Of course, My Boy!
In a few days I go back to the Old Country, for a few days, and this makes me nervous. But more on that later.
Summary:
Week one was spent seeing all the major sights with my friend from home, and sunbathing, tanning and generally eating a lot. When my companion departed, the weekend was spent eating still, dancing on tables (first time in sobriety!) and sleeping late.
My two new room mates were lovely, the third was lovely too, and I had a couple of days of relaxation - despite a panic attack and visual disturbance - during which I met T and S, my companions for the next 5 days. T and S introducted me to J and J who fed me breakfast and dinner for two days, free of charge, and accommodated my quirky dietry preferences with smiles and no questions.
T and S and I spent a few days in the city, seeing more sights, eating more food that made me nervous and I spent those three days off my face on coffee.
When T and S departed, S to return on my last day, I hooked up with A and C who were vising from Switzerland, originally also from the states (yes, everyone I met was American...). C and I watched A get drunk for a few days, and talked books and what each had and hadn't read until we each had a huge 'to buy' list for when we got home. Siddartha by Hermann Hesse is top of mine.
Afer A and C left, then T and S made their departure, I had a few days on my own. These were challenging, and although I hung out with E in Rome (who lives there) a few times, I did have a lot of time to do some writing. And a lot of thinking.
Top thoughts:
1. I know that a healthy mind is the key to physical health, and starving isn't a positive step toward maintaining serenity.
2. I love my Mum so much
3. My head can and will get me, my stabilising companions are valuable to me.
4. Apparently, it is immediately obvious from looking at me that i am a Lit graduate (this seems to be the case, after 2 people - one in the airport, one on the plane - asked out of the blue whether I did Lit at uni)
5. I love the smell of home.
6. Failure is not an option.
Okay, so pictures and more detail to follow. For now, at this hour of 0710, I am off for a run.
Loves xxx
ELLA-ELLA-ELLA
So, it's like this. I had a fantastic (!) time in Italy and had one of the best learning experiences of my life, just being on my own and meeting so many people for three weeks. It really forces you/forced me to come out of myself and look at what is important to me. It also sent me partially mad, but we learn from these things. As for pictures, I will do my best to post some later on today, but suffice to say I saw some pretty cool sights. And with free rein on my own time, I did a lot of shopping. Pictures of purchases also to follow.
Lists.
Discoveries:
1. Sugar Free Red Bull
2. Too much cheese
3. A dubious low-carbohydrate bar attempt
4. A perfect 5 Euro yellow sweater
5. My future Oscars dress
I missed:
1. My Rhianna album
2. Half-fat cheese
3. Chicken...sorry, poor chickens :(
4. Blogging!
5. Having clean feet
6. Of course, My Boy!
In a few days I go back to the Old Country, for a few days, and this makes me nervous. But more on that later.
Summary:
Week one was spent seeing all the major sights with my friend from home, and sunbathing, tanning and generally eating a lot. When my companion departed, the weekend was spent eating still, dancing on tables (first time in sobriety!) and sleeping late.
My two new room mates were lovely, the third was lovely too, and I had a couple of days of relaxation - despite a panic attack and visual disturbance - during which I met T and S, my companions for the next 5 days. T and S introducted me to J and J who fed me breakfast and dinner for two days, free of charge, and accommodated my quirky dietry preferences with smiles and no questions.
T and S and I spent a few days in the city, seeing more sights, eating more food that made me nervous and I spent those three days off my face on coffee.
When T and S departed, S to return on my last day, I hooked up with A and C who were vising from Switzerland, originally also from the states (yes, everyone I met was American...). C and I watched A get drunk for a few days, and talked books and what each had and hadn't read until we each had a huge 'to buy' list for when we got home. Siddartha by Hermann Hesse is top of mine.
Afer A and C left, then T and S made their departure, I had a few days on my own. These were challenging, and although I hung out with E in Rome (who lives there) a few times, I did have a lot of time to do some writing. And a lot of thinking.
Top thoughts:
1. I know that a healthy mind is the key to physical health, and starving isn't a positive step toward maintaining serenity.
2. I love my Mum so much
3. My head can and will get me, my stabilising companions are valuable to me.
4. Apparently, it is immediately obvious from looking at me that i am a Lit graduate (this seems to be the case, after 2 people - one in the airport, one on the plane - asked out of the blue whether I did Lit at uni)
5. I love the smell of home.
6. Failure is not an option.
Okay, so pictures and more detail to follow. For now, at this hour of 0710, I am off for a run.
Loves xxx
ELLA-ELLA-ELLA
Saturday, 28 July 2007
The Last Supper
Well not quite, I hope.
But the last time in a while I will be sitting here. The last time in a while I'll hear my parents have a row. The last time in a while that alcohol will dominate the conversation.
I leave in an hour.
I don't have much to write today except to speak of my gratitude.
I am grateful to be alive and well today. I am grateful for this opportunity and I'm grateful that Red Bull have a Sugar Free option.
But the last time in a while I will be sitting here. The last time in a while I'll hear my parents have a row. The last time in a while that alcohol will dominate the conversation.
I leave in an hour.
I don't have much to write today except to speak of my gratitude.
I am grateful to be alive and well today. I am grateful for this opportunity and I'm grateful that Red Bull have a Sugar Free option.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
